Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings
by chickenboyssuck
Summary: Completed!Derek's mother is dying and Derek is faced with surfacing emotions and horrid memories he wishes he could forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain comes love! Full summary inside! DASEY!
1. A Mind to Lose

A/N- Hey all! Lol, sorry that was lame. I would just like to begin by saying thank you so much for reading this! This is my second attempt at a fan fic and first attempt at a LWD fic, my first fic didn't work out so well. I really hope this one goes better. So, please review, even if you say one word, I appreciate it. If there is another LWD fic similar to this, I would just like to state, I'm not trying to steal your idea, I really didn't know and I'm sorry. I really love the readers' suggestions, so if you have any you can PM me or leave them in a review. I'm sorry it's kind of short, I'll try to make the other chapters longer, it was just the ending just seemed so right for the first chapter. I would also like apologize for any grammar and spelling errors. Well, enjoy!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

A/N 2- Sorry, I'd just like to point out that all chapters will be in Derek's POV, unless I change my mind later, for some odd reason. On with the story!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek.

_Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings_

Chapter One:

**A Mind to Lose**

They say time heals all wounds. But, I might be one to disagree. I think every horrible experience one has ever had, follows them, like a ticking time bomb. The bomb may lay dormant for months, even years, but its always there waiting to take over your mind and heart at the worst time possible.

By looking at me you couldn't say I'm scarred, I guess I'm a pretty good actor. Not even the great Casey, the smartest person I have ever met, could ever guess what happened in the past. They say we're all in denial, what was what my 9th grade English teacher used to say…_The Nile is not just another river in Egypt, most people are in denial_. I guess she wasn't a crock…okay so maybe she was, but she was a _right_ crock.

I think the only reason I'm sane today is because of my friends or rather because of my _popularity_. I was so busy being "Mr. Popular", that I didn't have time to think. Casey always tells me what an idiot I am for not thinking, but I think it saved me.

Well, I should probably stop talking around the subject, that's another one of my strong points.

The day was like any other it was around 8:05 and I was going to be late for school, the usual. My dad was doing his usual screaming at me to get my ass in gear and as usual I was ignoring him and taking my own time.

"Derek! Derek, GET DOWN H…HERE!" I laughed a little; my dad was a little old for his voice to be cracking.

I strut into the kitchen and I came face to face with Nora (my step-mom, she's okay…best mom I've ever had) and My dad, George. They had paled faces and my other siblings and step sibs were nowhere to be found.

"Umm…hey dad, Nora, where is everyone?"

"Derek, sit down…" my dad said practically shoving me into the chair.

"Umm, okay…" I said awkwardly

"I don't know how to tell you this Derek, so I'm just going to come out and say it. I just…I just got off the phone with the hospital…" My face grew darker, "It seems your mother has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and they're giving her about two weeks to live…I think it's best if you and her work out your differences before she…uhh…passes…"

"DAD! You've got to be fucking kidding me!" I erupted out of the chair, "NO FUCKING WAY AM I GOING TO GO DOWN TO THE GOD DAMNED HOSPITAL AND TELL HER SHIT ABOUT HOW SHE WAS A GREAT MOTHER!"

"Derek, calm down no one's asking you to…"

I cut him off "CALM DOWN! I"M NOT GOING TO CALM DOWN!" With that I took off to the door, only to come face to face with Casey MacDonald.

"Derek?" She asked almost sheepishly.

I lowered my head to the ground "What?" I asked not quite inaudibly.

"Umm, what was all the screaming about my mom just said that your dad wanted to talk to you about something… Derek? Derek are you crying?"

I froze; I didn't know how to respond. Yes, I know hard to believe the great Derek Venturi was wailing his eyes out in front of his stepsister. "No, why would you think that?"

"Umm…your eyes are all red and your shirt is soaked…" she said quietly, as if she was afraid of my response.

"Umm…that, I just am having…a contact issue…" I said lying through my teeth.

"But, Derek, you don't wear contacts…" she stated awkwardly.

"Well, you see I do, umm I just got them Thursday…" I said trailing off.

"Oh right…" she said unconvinced.

"Well," I said breaking away from her stare, "I better go change my shirt, umm…see you at school…I guess."

"Umm…okay see you at school…umm bye…" she said practically running out the door.

I came back down from upstairs and almost made it to the door when I heard my dad practically throwing himself at me to get me to stop leaving.

"Derek! DEREK! Come back here, we need to discuss this!" he yelled at me.

"We don't _need_ to discuss anything!" I spewed back at him

"Derek!" he shrieked, grabbing my forearm.

I pulled away fiercely, "What do you want me to say dad, _'I'm so sorry for her, this terrible!'_ No, that's not how it works!" I lowered my voice, "Do you know how many nights I would pray, PRAY, that she would die? Do you know how many nights she made me pray _I _would die?"

I opened his mouth, but I cut him off "What? You didn't know? Oh, cry me a river, dad! Maybe, you should have opened your godamn eyes! It happened for about 9 years before you finally got your act together!" _Oh shit…I'm crying, _"You don't know what she did, you don't know what I felt like, you don't know anything!" I practically fell against against the door yelping out pitiful sobs.

He sat down next to me and pulled me into a hug "I'm so sorry Derek, you don't know how sorry I am…"

A/N- Thank you so much for reading! I'm sorry if it sucked! Please review!

-chickenboyssuck


	2. Silent Pain

A/N- Hello again everyone! Thanks for the great response to my first chapter! Thank you to all my reviwers. --Gives reviewers virutal cookies.-- I can't believe I got 222 hits and 8 reviews! If you review, you too can get a virtual cookie! Lol, sorry I know lame... Anyway please review! I really want some feedback, even if you hate it, I want to know why! If you just say one word, I'll still be thrilled! Well, I'd like to say sorry this is still kind of short. I had a tough time starting this chapter, I kept changing the first few paragraphs and I think I finally got it right...well I hope... I really hope I did well with this chapter and I hope ya aren't disapointed! Thank you so much for reading!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings_

Chapter Two:

**Silent Pain**

They say everyone has a moment in time in which, they wish they could just do-over and a just one person in their lives they could replace. I'm not one to be religious, but isn't everything supposed to happen for a reason? They say everyone must suffer at one point in time and must experience some type of emotional down fall…it makes us human. And, without pain there would be no happiness. So, if this is indeed true you must suffer to know what happiness is, so you can feel the difference and thrive. After you've gone through so much, you find this place in yourself, that isn't really you, but is you with out walls or barriers…and to be there is scary, really scary.

Some pain lingers, it's a deep emerged sadness, an ache that we don't feel every hour of every day, but yet will never be able to let go of. We may say that we've moved on, that we're "okay", but deep down in the depths of our hearts and souls we've not forgotten. We hush the pain, like a small child crying its lungs out and it have might seemed to work for a while, but in actuality it's just making it much worse.

I probably cried for about a half an hour longer in my father's arms. I tried to stop, but the tears just kept flowing. No one, by any means could call me _'emotional'_, but sometimes you have to cry to move on. I finally broke away, when Nora found my dad and me in an awkward pile on the floor. She didn't ask any questions, but her face said it all. It was only a matter of time until she found out…my dad and I can't keep playing our little game forever. There are only six people, who know the truth, who know who I truly am. Them being my dad, my mom, their lawyers, a judge, and I.

My dad told me I didn't have to go to school and that we could just tell Nora I'm sick, but I refused. I know, another shocker Derek Venturi wanting to go to the one place I've tried to get out going to everyday for years. The truth is school is the one place I flourish in. There I'm the big man on campus, the big hockey star, the ladies man. Yeah, it's a pretty good life; too bad it's just a little charade.

I reached my locker around 11:35, right before my 4th hour class was to start, and it just happened to be study hall.

"Hey, man where were you this morning? You already missed lunch." I turned to see my best friend Sam standing next to me.

"My dad was lecturing me for hours…he just kept ranting…" I said trying to sound annoyed.

"Oh, that's weird usually your dad has to force you out the door in the morning and he made you late…weird."

"Yeah, well you know sometimes parents are weird…"

"Yeah…"

Later that day, I had a lot of trouble concentrating, I mean more than usual. My teachers kept telling me to focus and shit, but I don't even think I was fully hearing them. Even Casey knew something was wrong, I was being "denser that usual", as she later put it.

Later that night I was sitting on my bed trying to read something for English, even though I can't even remember what it was about, when Casey approached me. She opened the door slowly and stared at me for a while before she spoke.

"Derek?"

"Yeah…" I replied uncomfortable with the situation.

"Umm, are you okay?"

I stared at her worried face "Yeah, I'm fine…"

Her face hardened a little "No, you're not…"

"Yeah…I am…" I responded a little weirded out by her response to my behavior.

"Derek, could you just drop the act with me for like five minutes and have this conversation with me!" She practically screamed at me.

"What conversation? Case, I know you're a goody-goody and all, but some problems you can't help someone with!"

"Oh yeah Derek, try me!"

"I don't have a fucking problem!"

"You just said you did!"

I looked up at her and stared "No, I didn't…" I barely muttered.

"Yeah, you did…" she said lowering her voice to a whisper.

"Look Case, I'm flattered you want to help me, but I don't need help…"

"Derek…I think you do…"

"It's nothing really…my mom's just in the hospital, dying…" I rolled my eyes at the thought.

"What? How is that nothing…?" she asked shocked.

"Let's just say, I'm not exactly fond of her…"

Casey looked pissed "Derek! She's your mother! What reason would you have not to be "fond" of her? What did she do, not let you have your way all the time? Derek, you're such a conceited jerk! Your own _mother_ is dying and you're not even going to see her! Derek, this is your all time low!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME CASEY!" I shouted and by the end started weeping again.

She closed the door, sat on the bed, and rubbed my back until I calmed down.

Her eyes started to dart around the room, avoiding mine, "Why do hate her so much Derek?"

I looked at her with big eyes, not knowing what to say, "Let's just say, most of my scars aren't from hockey…"

Casey looked at me confused "Wh…"

I stood up and took off my shirt.

She looked at me and stared tears framing her eyes and tempting to come out, "Oh my god, Derek…I…I didn't know…"

She stared at my chest again, trying to get over the huge butcher knife scars, the welts, and other horrifying marks.

I put my shirt back on and sat back down on the bed and wiped a tear from her eye "It's okay Case, how could you have…?"

She hugged me and we just sat there for what seemed like forever, or I wished… "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Is that the only thing she _did_ to you?"

I looked her straight in her eyes and started balling again "No, Case…"

"Oh my god!" she whispered in disbelief, "She didn't…"

I nodded

She started crying harder and her voice was almost muffled, "She molested you too, didn't she Derek…?"

"Yeah, Case…she did…"

We both sat there holding on to each other for dear life, howling our eyes out.

I couldn't believe that I was crying in front of Casey, in front of someone I couldn't stand. Well, I could stand her; I actually rather enjoyed fighting with her. Maybe it was more than fighting; maybe I just enjoyed her company… Nevertheless, I couldn't believe I had just told Casey MacDonald, _the _Casey MacDonald, the grade-grubber klutz, my deepest, most personal secret. Hell, Edwin didn't even know…he was too young when it happened…and my dad and I agreed that it would be better if he didn't know. Sam didn't know either, and he'd been my best friend during that stage of my life. I don't know why I stopped playing my game and holding up my wall. I never broke down and told anyone before, until…_Casey_…

A/N- Well, there you are folks, I hope you enjoyed it! Once again I'm sorry for any spelling and/or grammar errors and I'm sorry if it sucked! Please review, it would mean a lot to me!

-chickenboyssuck


	3. The Unforgotten

A/N: I'm sorry it took me so long to update! I just started school on Wednesday, so I didn't have a lot of free time! Please, fogive me, lol **REVIEW! **Lol, sorry I know you're probably all scrolling through this author's note...please stop and read this! **Please review, if I don't get enough feedback, I can't keep writing this, I know that sounds stupid, but I want to make this fic for you, the reader, but without your opinions how am I to do that? It's simple reviews equal more chapters sooner. No reviews equal less chapters, less frequently or eventually putting this on hiatus. Please review, a minitue of your time, would make my day!** Also, I really did not like this chapter when I wrote it. I wanted to make it realistic, but I don't think I did. I hope you think the I did well, lol. I'm trying, so work with me. I really hope you enjoy this chapter!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek.

Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings

Chapter Three:

**The Unforgotten **

Some say everyone has a breaking point. A point in which they just can't take _it_ anymore. With my experiences with angst and drama, I thought I was immune to such, but I think I was wrong, dead wrong. I mean, eventually everything catches up with you. You can only smile and go on for so long until the pain engulfs you and it becomes whom you are. Now, I'm not one to dwell on such things, okay so maybe I am, but nevertheless, shouldn't we all? Let's face it; there are probably more people in the world who spend more time in front of the mirror than they do actually doing something productive. I possibly being one of them. So, when anguish strikes in their own lives, they don't see it coming. It hits them ten times harder because they thought they were untouchable, or _invincible _rather and it almost kills them to find that horrible things can happen to anyone. No matter how young, old, rich, or poor you are things _can_ happen. Because fate is something that you cannot control, that you cannot yell at or blame…but it's there and you can't fight it.

Things became awkward that night at dinner after I had confessed to Casey. We both were unusually quiet and not having our usual little dinnertime squabbles. My dad just sat there uncomfortably knowing to some extent what was wrong, well with _me_ anyway. Nora looked from Casey to me uneasily as Edwin told an elaborate story about what he was studying in math class and how it bored the class to death.

"Umm…so Casey…" Nora said practically interrupting Edwin's last few comments, "Anything happen at school today?"

Casey barely made a movement to look up from her food, "No, same old, same old…"

Nora looked unhappily at her eldest daughter and then jolted her head to look at me "How 'bout you, Derek?"

I kept my eyes glued down "Umm…nothing really…"

Nora let out a harsh sigh and went on eating. After a while, it seemed she grew restless with the perturbed silence that overwhelmed the table. She looked up directly at Casey and stared her down for a while, until she finally commented, "Okay, what's up with you two?"

Casey and I didn't make any effort to answer and just kept on eating like we hadn't heard her.

"Casey, I asked you a question!" she stated, getting angrier by the second.

Casey didn't look up, but let out a sheepish laugh, "Oh, sorry mom, what…?"

She jerked her head to look at me accusingly, "Derek, what did you do?"

I opened my mouth to protest her allegation, but I was cut off.

"Oh, Nora…" my dad said obviously making it up as he was going along, "Derek, must have told Casey about Abby, she's probably, just upset…umm… Sometimes, Casey can be well, _oversensitive_."

Nora stared, my dad wasn't one to start a confrontation, he just wanted everyone to get along… "_George!_"

My dad unfazed looked up and stared at me, obviously feeling bad he put me in such an awkward position. "Umm…well anyway there is something I'd like to tell everyone… This is very hard to say… I'm sorry you have to hear this… Well, my first wife, Abby, Derek's, Edwin's, and Marti's mother, is very sick and she probably will not _make_ _it_. I know Edwin and Marti don't know much about their mother, but tomorrow I would like to take you three to see her…if that's okay…with _everyone_…"

With "everyone" I think he meant me…

There was a ghostly silence cast over the room, as most thought over the information just said.

"Umm…I guess it's fine with me, I don't really remember her much…but this might be a weird way to remember her forever…_on her death bed_." Edwin said visibly taken aback with the information.

Nora had lightened up a bit it seemed, "Edwin, I think that it's very important for you to go…at least you'll have some memory of her… Some children grow up not knowing their parents and they wonder their whole lives what they're like."

I rolled my eyes openly at her.

Edwin gave her a half-hearted smile, "Well, when you put it that way it makes sense…I'll go dad."

My dad cracked a little smile as well, "What about you Marti?"

Marti bobbed in her seat not fully comprehending what was being discussed, "Is Smerek going?"

My dad stared at me "I…ahhh…"

I cut him off and simply stated, "No".

Nora looked at me strangely, "Why not Derek? You're the only one that can remember her any way… Why do you have so much against her?"

I stared at my plate, unable to think of what to say.

Luckily Casey jumped in, "Umm…well mom you know maybe Derek is waiting for a time to visit his mother with no one there…I know George has commented on their _differences_, maybe he just wants some privacy…"

Nora looked puzzled; obviously surprised Casey had stood up for me, "Well, today when George told Derek about it he did seem upset…and George did say something about _differences_…"

Edwin stared intently off into space, "I never heard about any _differences_… I mean I was like 5 or 6 when they got divorced…"

The conversation was awkward, to say the least, everyone watching what they were saying attentively, "Well, ya know Ed, umm you never had the best memory…I mean you probably don't even remember what _she_ looked like…"

Casey shot me a look across the table; I stared back at her, as to say, "What did I do?"

Lizzie who didn't know the extent of what was going on stared at the wall, "Well, you know…no one seems very…uhh _keen_ on the topic… Why don't we just drop it for now?"

Everyone agreed and I sunk in my chair and relaxed a bit.

Later that night, I had a lot of trouble sleeping. My dreams were plagued with thoughts of _her_ and her unforgettable _deeds_. I remember her face when she did it, how she had no look of remorse. And I remember her laugh the laugh I only heard then…a cackle…like you hear on those Lifetime Original Movies, Casey's always watching. It seemed so real…it was scary.

_**We were sitting in the Kitchen, Marti wasn't born yet and neither was Ed…I had to be about two or three years old at the most. I remember it like it was only yesterday. I had dropped a bowl of mashed peas from my highchair and it was all over the once spotless kitchen floor. My mother was angry, not just mad; like red-hot angry…and I think that was the first time in my life I felt fear, well real fear. It wasn't the kind of fear like there was a monster under my bed fear, but the kind of fear like fear for my life. **_

_**Instead of grabbing a napkin or a paper towel from the counter she grabbed a knife. Not a butter knife, but a knife with a colossal blade, a butcher knife. I remember sitting there, not really knowing what was going on, but knowing something was wrong. She had this empty look in her eyes; just remembering it makes me shutter. She swung the knife at me, hitting the tray and sending me flying towards the ground. I might have been young and well not that smart, but I knew I had to get away from her. **_

_**I think then was the first time I had ever walked in my life. I don't know, instinct took over and I ran, I kept falling, but pretty soon I had made it to the basement. I hide in the corner, shaking from head to toe. She clamored down the stairs and it would be the only warning I received. She disappeared into the darkness of the room, I knew she was there, but I didn't know where. **_

_**The next thing I knew she came up from behind me and struck me with the knife in the lower abdomen region. I screamed bloody murder and ran. **_

_**She stopped swinging and she said one thing that will haunt me forever, "If you shut up, I'll stop and we'll have some fun!" There was an edge to her voice as it hit the cold basement air.**_

_**I shut my trap; I just wanted everything to stop, that's when I started crying. **_

_**We just stood there in silence for a while, until suddenly she grabbed me and pulled me to the ground. She stared at me eyes wider than I had ever seen them…I was petrified…I didn't know what to think.**_

_**She pulled down my pants, I didn't know what to think, and I just started crying harder.**_

_**She did her deed, as I stared off, not knowing what to do, what to say…I just cried the biggest, fattest tears I could ever remember seeing. **_

_**After she was done, she got up and left me there all alone on the ground…feeling helpless, bleeding like crazy, not knowing what had just happened. I laid there for about an hour before she came back…she knew she had to clean up her dirty work. She put Band-Aids over the deep cuts, but they were still bleeding. Then, she barked at me to go upstairs and take a bath. **_

_**I remember sitting the bathtub scrubbing myself until I bled more, because I felt dirty and the feeling wouldn't go away. I don't think it ever did, I think sometimes when I think about it I feel just as tainted as I did the first time… **_

I shot up from my bed, breathing heavy, drenched in sweat and ran to the bathroom across the hall, knowing I was going to lose my dinner and possibly some of my lunch. I bent my head down and saw Nora's meatloaf and mashed potatoes for the second time. Pretty soon, it turned to dry heaves and I leaned my head against the cold toilet bowl, looking for deliverance from my skillet of a forehead. I just sat there for a while breathing heavily. I was thinking about my dream, when I had to lean back over for more. After I was finished with my second go around I told myself I wasn't going to think about it in that deep regard anymore, or I wasn't going to be able to keep anything down. I kept telling myself that she couldn't hurt me anymore…I felt scared like I did when I was a kid at night, laying in bed unable to calm my restless mind, I thought she was going to come in my room…and _touch _me. I shuttered right there…I was still scared after all those years. I leaned my head back on the toilet bowl and sighed in pleasure of the freezing feeling that went through my skull.

"Derek!" I head a hesitant voice from behind me.

I pivoted my body to face Casey MacDonald standing in the doorway. "Y…yeah…" I said exhausted.

"Wh…what happened?" she said connecting the dots in her head.

I laughed a bit "Lost…m…my dinner…"

She stared at me "No, shit!"

She bent down and helped me up, but my body begged for me to sit back down.

"Whoa…what's the matter with you?" she asked relevantly concerned.

I sat down on top of the vanity's counter, "Shitty, dream…"

She went to open her mouth, but I cut her off.

"I don't want to talk about…"

She nodded, "Umm…okay…"

Silence engulfed the room, neither one of us knew what to say, "So…what are you going to do about…you know…your _mom_…"

I opened my mouth to answer, but had a sudden flashback. I leaped off the counter and found myself in my early position, puking my guts out.

Casey just stood there stunned, she had never seen anyone get that sick before, in an instant. Pretty soon she realized what see needed to do and sat behind me and rubbed my back. After I was finished she helped me sit on the ground a few feet away from the toilet. She stood up and flushed the former contents of my stomach away.

She stared at me, I looked half-conscious, "You really _need_ to get some sleep, you look terrible…"

I laughed, "I thought I _always _looked terrible Case…"

She cracked a smile, remembering the moment, "Yeah, maybe you do…"

She sat down and ran her fingers threw my sweaty, matted hair, and turned to a serious tone, "Are you going to be okay, Derek?"

I started at her "Yeah, I'll be fine…"

She looked at me "Derek, I'm not so sure…"

I felt kind of bad for putting this all on her, "Case," I reassured her, "I'll be fine, I promise…"

I could see her eyes getting cloudy and tears forming, "Derek, you have to promise me, whatever happens, you're not going to… _kill_ yourself…"

I pulled her into a hug, "I promise Case…I promise…"

She started crying harder, "Don't you ever Derek!"  
"I promise Case, you know I won't…"

She calmed her voice a little, "I know, I know…"

After that, we sat like that for a while, she pulled away and helped me up and back to my room. That's where she left me sitting on my bed, alone with my thoughts and my thoughts only.

A/N: There you have it folks chapter 3! I hope you liked it! Sorry for grammar and/or spelling errors Shalom till next time!

-chickenboyssuck


	4. Dead Eyes

A/N- Hey everyone! It's been a very long time! I feel...so bad... I'd just like to extend my greatest apologies to all of you readers...I really appreciate your support. I know that there is hardly justification for taking this long, but...just for later reference... I am newly elected student body president and I have a lot on my plate. I play travel softball and soccer and I play with the my school's basketball team...and I'm in band and choir...lol. I hope you don't **hate** this chapter. It probably has a lot of typos...I'm so sorry, but I wanted to get this posted tonight, so I didn't exactly take a lot of time to proof read. Once again I'm sorry for the wait...and as you can see this is really short! I'm so sorry...but I'll try to update soon! Thanks for the support! (Reviews are always appreciated!)

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings_

Chapter Four:

**Dead Eyes**

They say you can know a lot about a person by looking directly into their eyes. They say that even when you're laughing and seemingly having a good time, if one was to look into your eyes…they'd know if you were scarred. Not like a tiny scar, that's hardly even noticeable, but like a scar that figuratively takes up your entire face. I never believed that, I mean no one ever figured me out…but maybe they _did_. I mean, really, I think everyone figured something was obviously a little off about me…I did _fail_ grade one. They just don't know the particulars, but they know deep, deep down that there's something wrong. I mean it's like that kid that has the unruly hair, the baggy clothes, and spends all their time reading…you don't know if there's something wrong, but you _know_. I guess everyone expresses emotional dysfunctions in their own way, and my way just happened to make me the most popular guy in school.

Shitty doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling like when I woke up. I woke up to my dad screaming at me to wake up, after I while I finally pushed myself out of my bed and tripped over various things on my way to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and was shocked by what I saw. I was white as a ghost, with deep dark circles under my eyes, which made me look like I hadn't slept for days. I rubbed my hand over my face about ten times and I already knew that the day wasn't looking too hot.

After I took a sluggish shower and got dressed, I sauntered down the stairs, taking my sweet time.

"DEREK! WOULD YOU HURRY UP?" My dad screamed from within the kitchen.

"I'm coming!" I crooked out; I was shocked how terrible my voice sounded.

I entered the kitchen to find everyone sitting at the table eating a hurried breakfast; no one looked up when I entered. Nora rose from her seat to rinse off her plate. I walked, with much effort to the cabinet above and to the right of the sink and reached for a glass, since I didn't think eating was such a good idea.

Nora turned to look at me and let out a loud gasp, "Derek, you look terrible!"

Everyone turned to look at me.

"Thanks…" I said sarcasm dripping in my voice.

Nora and everyone else starred at me for a moment, until Nora reached over to feel my forehead.

"I'm fine!" I said defensively as I was pulling away from her sudden demonstration of maternal affection.

More stares shot my way, "Hello, don't you people have somewhere to be or something to do…GOD!" I croaked.

Everyone's heads shot back around, "THANK YOU!"

"Hey Der!" Sam greeted me when I reached my locker.

"Hey man…" I said quietly.

He turned to look at me properly, "Whoa, what happened to you?"

I stared him down, "What are you talking about?"

He sighed, "I dunno, but you look like you haven't slept in days."

I shook my head, "I'm fine, just stressed…"

He laughed, "Oh yeah? What does the great Derek Venturi have to be stressed about?"

"Lots of things…" I said defensively.

He laughed, "Whatever you say man."

With that we parted to go to class and I knew that the rest of the day was going to be basic hell.

Well, I went to algebra…yeah, I'm taking remedial math… It was so fun! We learned about radical numbers! YAY! Okay, I'm done. But, on a serious note I don't know how I made it through the day…I was practically falling asleep during the middle of class, not that I haven't done that before…it's just, I couldn't fall asleep there, for obvious reasons.

"Derek!" Casey called to me as I was walking from algebra to my next class.

I stopped tentatively, "What?"

"We need to talk…" she said almost inaudibly.

I laughed sarcastically, "Umm, no we don't…"

"Yeah, we do…"

"No"

"Yes…"

"NO!"

"YES!"

The bell rang and the students remaining in the hall scurried quickly to class and Casey and I were left with the hall to ourselves.

I turned to leave but Casey pulled me back.

"We really _need_ to talk about this…" she stated

"There's nothing to talk about!" I said anger rising.

"Derek! What are _you_ talking about? You know as well as I you're going to kill yourself if you keep carrying on like this!"

"Oh yeah! Who gives a fucking shit, Case! Sure, I'm cool now…but I'm probably never going to make it in the pros…and I'll end up be a garbage man…no one gives a shit about what happens to me…so run along!"

She stood still.

"NOW!"

"Derek, c'mon think about this you _need_ help…"

"No, Case you "c'mon"! Look, you need to get something through that thick skull! You may think you can help everyone, but you can't. Get over yourself and take your suck-up, goody-two-shoe's ass to class and go learn so you can find the fucking cure to cancer!"

Once again she stood frozen.

"Go!"

She quickly whipped around and shot down the hall. Immediately after she was out of sight, I plopped down against the nearest lockers…having no intention on going to class.

A/N- Well, there you are chapter 3! I hoped you enjoyed it! If you didn't I'm sorry and tell me and I'll try to improve for my next chapter! Thanks for reading!

-chickenboyssuck


	5. Unanswered Fear

A/N- Hey everyone! It's been so long! I know I have issues with updating and I'm truly sorry again. The fact is I was debating the end of this chapter for weeks it seemed like. I had about a page more written in this chapter, but I deleted it becasue I really hated it. So, this chapter has more confrontations and you probably are sick of him screaming and crying and shit, and I'm really sorry. However, I just really think this fitted in nicely; I do promise there will be the _confrontation_ that everyone is looking forward to in the next chapter. If it's not I swear all you faithful readers may get an angry mob and kill me. Okay, so ignore all dumbass typos and have please enjoy! I hope you don't hate it! So, anyway happy holidays, I hope everyone had a great time and please enjoy Chapter 5!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings_

Chapter Five:

**Unanswered Fear**

Death…one word whether one likes it or not will define them; the one word that drives people. Death…the feeling that one day we will be gone keeps us going day by day to accomplish something great before our time is up. Everyone whether they like it or not will die…they can out run it for a while, they can cheat death once, even multiple times, but it will always come back and bite them in the ass. See, death is like that; it comes at the most unexpected moments and sometimes scars others for life. Death…knowing that deep down in the depths of one's soul you're not going to be around for forever. And perhaps in the wake of death is where one's true colors shine true. Even if one was to commit suicide they have doubts and part of them wants to keep going, keep on breathing. Because, the fact of the matter is_ no one_ wants to willingly die…

I thought as I sat in my "personal" chair in the principal's office. I thought how I was going to explain ditching class…and not even leaving school to my dad, how I was going to talk to anyone about anything without having a nervous breakdown, and in the back of my mind I was thinking about what I was going to say to Casey, whenever I saw her.

I tapped my fingers in overly anxious rhythms wishing my father would just get there and lecture me.

Just then, he burst into the door, quietly took a seat next to me, and whispered, "This better be good, Derek…"

"Mr. Ventruri," the principal said giving me an icy stare, "so nice to see you again."

My father nodded in his direction and waited for him to start his usual spiel.

"Well, Mr. Venturi the fact of the matter is and your son's teachers would agree with me on this…I'm…well worried, about Derek I mean. Instead of his usual overt disregard for authority…he seems to be…umm well, distracted. I mean it isn't like the famous Derek Venturi to skip class and stay within the building, is it?"

My father shot me an unreadable look, "Well," he said scratching the back of his neck looking for a quick explanation, "Well, you see…ummm Derek just is going through a rough time…his mother's in the hospital it's been hard on him…"

He cleared his throat, "Oh, I didn't know… Well, it seems like you get off with just a warning this time Mr. Venturi…but NO MORE FUNNY BUSSINESS!"

"Yes sir…" I replied softly.

"Well, then I would recommend you sort out all your little personal problems before you return to this fine educational facility!"

I rolled my eyes

"Well, I will hopefully not see you in my office soon," he gave me the "look" and ushered my dad and me out the door.

I grabbed my remaining things from my locker and met my father in the parking lot. I bound into the passenger's seat and hung my head waiting for his usual speech, however it never came.

After about five minutes of dead silence in the car ride he lifted my head to look him directly into his eyes, "We need to talk about this, Der…"

Try as I might I couldn't avoid his stare, "I don't know what to say…"

He let out a deep sigh, "I'm not sure either…we've been avoiding this topic for so long it's hard to know where to start…"

I nodded

"You have to see her…" he said voice certain.

I almost choked on my on saliva, "Are you INSANE?"

He sighed yet again reaching over to run his fingers through my hair in his own paternal manner, "No…Derek, you're never going to forgive her if you don't get some type of closure."

I pulled away from his embrace, "Thanks, Dr. Phil…"

He rolled his eyes at my sudden surge of anger, "Listen to me Derek…I should have done this years ago you need to see her, you need to see that she can't and will never hurt you again. You need to face her."

I stared at him, "I can't do it, dad…I can't…"

He looked back at me, "Yes, you can…you're going to have to."

I turned away from him to stare out the window at the various landscapes we were passing by trying to calm myself down and divert my attention. I wasn't doing as well as I hoped…my brain was flooded with images…horrible scenes…sounds…even smells…I then started hyperventilating.

It took my dad a while to realize what was going on, "Der…are you okay?" he said reaching over with one hand to shake me while driving. He then pulled over to the side of the almost vacant side street.

It started becoming more and more hard to breathe.

My dad was almost panicking, "C'mon bud in, out…c'mon…"

However, try as I might I could not slow down my breathing or take shallower breaths, I couldn't.

"Der…you need to breathe…" my dad stated almost frantically, he being in unfamiliar territory.

I then started to think of school. Yes, I know not a very good time to start thinking about school, not that I had really had ever done much before. There was this really weird guy in my biology class freshman year; he hyperventilated every time he talked to a girl. I'm not even exaggerating…every single time. He used to carry around a paper bag with him just in case. However, my biology teacher finally pointed out to him that doctors no longer recommended breathing into a paper bag because it could cause a person not to get enough oxygen. She advised him to _pinch one of his nostrils and breathe through his nose_. I did exactly what I had remembered her telling him.

My dad looked at me questioningly, "What are you doing?"

I did not answer, however my breathing gradually became slower and less shallow and eventually returned to normal.

I leaned back in the chair and relaxed exhaustedly.

My dad patted me on the back, "You gave me a scare, bud, don't ever do it again…"

I gave him a half-hearted smile, "Sorry."

He gave me a last look and pulled back onto the road.

We drove for a while in silence both of us trying to collect our thoughts.

"Hey Derek?" my dad asked breaking the spell which had overtaken the car, "Has that ever happened before?"

I shook my head, "Not that I can remember."

He stared at me, "That's kind of scary," he paused, "You know you don't look well."

I laughed, "I know…"

He shook his head, "I'm sorry."

I picked up my head, with much effort, to look at him, "For what?"

"For everything, for making you have to go through his."

I stared at him; I was at a loss for words, "You're forgiven…"

Out of nowhere he reached to feel my forehead.

I opened my mouth to protest, but he interrupted me, "You're running a high fever, Der…"

"I'm fine…" I again disputed.

His tone became suddenly harsh "No, you're not don't give me that," his voice softened a little, "Derek, we have to deal with this…we've pussy footed around for so long… I mean Der, only thoughts of her are making you _physically_ sick!"

I didn't know what to say, "I'm always fine I can get through this!"

He shot me a look, "A blind man could see your not fine Derek!"

"WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT A BLIND MAN SEES!" I said voice cracking in the process.

This sudden surge of weakness brought my dad back to reality, "Just get some sleep when we get home, okay? You look terrible."

Just then my phone started going berserk.

He dad eyed me carefully, "Aren't you going to answer that?"

I shook my head, "I don't want to talk to anyone."

It stopped ringing momentarily and then started back up again.

"Derek," my dad voice becoming angrier by every past ring, "just answer the god damned phone!"

"Fine…" I mumbled. I then flipped open the phone and gave a half heartened "Hello".

"Der, man where are you?" it was Sam.

I stiffened, "Where do you think I am?"

Sam didn't find it funny, "I don't know man, someone said you got caught ditching class…and no one's seen you since. You know playoffs start next week, and we need you this is no time for you to be pulling any shit."

I shook my head, "Sor…ry" my voice cracked mid-way through the word.

There was an awkward silence, "Hey man are you okay?"

My blood started to boil over, "YES SAM I'M FINE! WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP ASKING ME THAT?"

Sam laughed, "Someone's a little tense…" he paused, "You're going to practice tonight right?"

My dad over heard, "Absolutely not!"

I laughed nervously and replied to Sam, "No, I don't think so…"

He let out a harsh sigh, "Der? Are you thinking straight? We have a week until playoffs start that means if you miss a single practice you can't play…it's like a law!"

I slapped myself mentally, "Oh right…umm I'll be there…"

Sam started to answer and I slammed my phone shut, not wanting to take the energy to talk.

My dad watched me fall into the back of the chair in a relaxed manner, "What was that about?"

I sighed heavily, "Sam wanted to know if I was going to practice…"

He rolled his eyes, "No shit, why'd you tell him yes after I distinctly told you no?"

I let out an exasperated sigh; "I have to go if you miss any practices the week before playoffs you get benched, it's a team rule. I can't miss; I'm the captain and I have to be there for my team."

He eyed me vigilantly, "Why don't you let the team be there for you?"

I cradled my head in my hands not liking where the conversation was heading, "It's not the same thing…"

"Why not?" he shot immediately back.

I again let out a weary sigh, "This is something I have to deal with myself…they couldn't help even if they wanted to."

"Okay," he paused, "I know where you're coming from, it's your choice…"

"I know…and I'll tell them…when it's the time…and truly I don't know if there will ever be an appropriate time…"

He reached over and gave my shoulder a squeeze, "I know this has been tough on you, but it's in fact just making you a stronger person…"

I eyed him but choose not to respond to his last comment.

A/N- Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed! Oh, and I that thing about that crazy kid with girl issues is true! No lie, in my advanced Algebra class last quarter there was this boy who hyperventilated everytime he made eye contact with a girl! So, I guess you don't care, but it was some funny shit. However, I kind of felt bad for him. But, enough about me! I hope you relly liked chapter 5! I'm so sorry if it sucked! Please if you have a second review you would make my day!

-chickenboyssuck


	6. Alone in the Ring

A/N-Hello again my readers! It's my Saturday right before my break ends, so I wanted to get this chapter posted. Hehe...you might want to get your pitchforks ready because umm...I kind of didn't but _the_ confrontation in this chapter. I meant to...I really did, but the dream sequence got like 4 pages too long and I couldn't put it in. I'm terribly sorry! On another note all the fragment type sentences in the dream sequence are supposed to be there. Y'know when you are dreaming or thinking and your mind suddenly like totally skips into thoughts like: I love chicken...I wonder if... Yah, so I hope that doesn't annoy anyone, lol. So, please enjoy chapter six! I hope you like it and as always please try and disregard any typos, grammar and/or spelling errors. Enjoy!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek.

_Life With Derek: Depths of our Beings_

Chapter Six:

**Alone in the Ring**

I think everyone has an end…an end that seems peaceful and unforced. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't get to that end…because death is forced upon them like a barbell weight. Call it destiny, call it fate…but maybe some people aren't meant to die peacefully. Maybe death is thrown into their lap for a reason. The smartest and bravest people can accept death in these untimely situations because they know they did all they could and lived everyday to their fullest. And this may sound cliché, but those kinds of people will have a fulfilling life if their life ends at 22 or 92 because they did all they could. However, the majority of us will never be ready. And that is why death is so stunning we're not ready and most likely will never be.

**_"Shit, shit, shit…" I whispered to myself as I was running to catch the school bus. "No! Not TODAY!" I screamed after the bus that was now becoming a big yellow blob. I stood there a boy barely of eleven almost blubbering my eyes out because I had missed the bus. I can remember thinking about what I was going to do if I could run fast enough, so that I would get there before they would call _her_…but I knew in the back of my mind I had no chance…no possible way, and I knew she wouldn't drive me. Nope, she'd be a lot more _"caring"_ than that. You see I'd learned to enjoy the so-called "time restraints", in which my mother was put under. My dad got home around 7 to 8 o'clock every night. Now, before it would be quite possible for her to make dinner, clean, do whatever she needed to do, and "take care of me". However, when I was seven, I got smart, and I asked my dad if I could start playing hockey. Of course, he almost leapt out of his chair with excitement, but my mother on the other hand aggressively objected, she said, "I don't want him to hurt himself, hockey is such a violent game!" I remember rolling my eyes and my dad scolding me after for doing so, but I remember him telling her that I'd be fine. And, of course she agreed, because what was she supposed to say: "He can't, he has to stay home so I can beat him, cut and chase him with knives, and then rape him!" No, I'm not thinking so. See, the only reason I hadn't confessed to my father was simple she threatened me. If I told anyone, she'd do the same thing she did to me, to Marti and Edwin…or she'd kill them and me. I wasn't stupid that's how she always threatened me, if I screamed; if I ran even…it was always the same "these things don't have to be saved just for you". I couldn't do that to them…I couldn't subject them to the pain…I was already scarred, they didn't need to be too. Good ol' time restraints…after I started playing hockey, I would walk to the rink with some friends after school and practice. Then, at about 5-7 o'clock my mother would pick me up, or preferably someone's parents would give me a ride home. This gave my mother only up to an hour and a half to do what she wanted…usually less time than that. It was then the beatings became fiercer…but I didn't care because she didn't go all the way anymore…all right I'll say it…she didn't really have time to rape me anymore. She beat me more…and our butcher knives and steak knives became her favorite new weapons…she still…molested me, but she didn't go all the way…and sure I felt tainted…and scarred even…but it was different. However, I knew what was going to happen on this particular day. I walked home as quietly and as slowly as I could, hoping and praying she'd give me a break. I opened the door almost inaudibly, quietly slipped in, and then tiptoed into the kitchen. I then set down my book-bag and sat down in a chair. She was feeding Marti and quickly whipped around. _**

_**This was the first time she acknowledged my presence, "Why are you here?"**_

_**I stared at the ground and muttered, "I…I missed the bus…" I started shaking.**_

_**A sly smile quickly became spewed across her face and she dropped the spoon she was feeding Marti with into the bowl, "You know you don't look so great…" she paused to smirk at me and then felt my forehead and gasped in a fake shocked manner, "Yes, you are definitely coming down with something…I'll go phone the school….now." She whipped around and walked into the other room to grab the phone. **_

_**I started panicking and a cold sweat broke across my forehead. I didn't need what was coming I didn't…I…**_

_**I heard the phone slam down in the other room, and then she walked in and again gave me an underhanded glance, "It's all settled!"**_

_**I just sat there, like a bump on a log…as she hustled around with her business as usual and I just sat there doing nothing and she ignored me…and I was pleasantly surprised. However, I could feel something approaching… While she was putting Marti down for a nap my dad called and I answered the phone.**_

"_**Ummm…hello?"**_

_**My dad's voice tensed a little, "Hey bud, what are you doing home?"**_

_**I opened my mouth, but I didn't know what to say should I tell him everything…she'd surly kill me and Marti if I did so…because Ed was at school, I guess he'd be safe but…**_

_**I remember my thoughts suddenly be snapped with a loud yell, "If that's your father remember you're sick!" **_

_**I remember just answering automatically out of fear, "Umm…I'm sick…"**_

_**My dad's voice became gentler, "Oh…I hope you feel better. Are you okay?"**_

"_**Oh yeah…I think it's just the flu or something…I'll be fine…"**_

"_**Oh okay, is you're mom home by any chance?" **_

"_**Yeah…hold on a sec…"**_

_**I quietly walked upstairs and handed her the phone. She shot me a look and I turned around and shot down the stairs. I quickly grabbed the living room phone, covered the speaker, and quietly tuned in.**_

"…_**Is there something wrong with him?" I took this as my dad's voice.**_

"_**Well…" I could feel a sense of anger in her voice, but she did a good job of covering it up, "Well…what do you mean, he's sick…obviously…"**_

_**He cut her off, "Not that…it just seemed as though he was tense…like he was afraid of something…"**_

_**I could tell she was becoming angrier, "No, he's fine…he's just had a hard day…right after you left he threw up his breakfast…and…" she trailed off.**_

_**Well, that was obviously a lie, but it won my dad over, "Oh, okay I'll leave you to what you were doing…love you bye."**_

"_**Bye," she responded as she hung up the phone.**_

_**I tensed up a bit, knowing any minute she was going to bound the stairs…angrier than ever. A few minutes she did what I predicted, anger burning in her face.**_

_**She slammed her fist on the coffee table and took a hard shot right at my head, "What the hell are you doing boy? Are you trying to get me caught? You know Marti's right up stairs…I mean you can go to school…if you'd like."**_

_**I shot a gaze towards the floor, "No…I'm good…"**_

"_**Well, you better be…"**_

_**She took another glance at me, "I'm not liking that attitude these days boy…"**_

_**She took a couple punches and slaps…and as usual I knew not to fight back, it would only make it mush worse. She grabbed an oversized knife and pulled me into our crap hole of a basement. It was the look in her eyes at these times that told me if I were to fight back she'd kill me…and she wouldn't have to even think about it. It was scary to see her face light up every time she poked the colossal blade at me. She was smart…if you looked at it in that way…at the start the wounds were very shallow and then she made them deeper and deeper…it was a great way to put a person in immense pain. It was getting to the point were I was becoming almost…numb from the pain. She began getting restless with hitting me and stabbing me…but not getting a rise out of me; she then moved on to her next order of business. I turned my back to her knowing fully what was coming my way…tears started falling as did my pants, shirt, and other undergarments. She threw me to the hard, cold, clammy basement floor. **_

_**I didn't scream, I barely even moved; I just couldn't find my voice…I never could. She started to pry open my legs and assert herself upon me to make me do what I learned to do…since I was a little boy. I tried to pull away not really getting anywhere…because she pulled closer…It began…**_

"_**NO! Please stop!" I begged as she began.**_

_**She looked at my sullen face, "Boy you deserved this and you know it!"**_

**_While, I was almost positive I could almost overpower her, I didn't. She would kill me and even if she didn't she would kill Marti and she wouldn't hesitate. I had to take it…for Marti…for Ed…for everything I had ever done to anger her. I pulled my head to rest to the side and pinched my eyes shut as she continued to rape me. I remember waking up on the cold basement floor…naked; my whole body ached. I looked around to see where she had gone, but seemed she was already upstairs acting like nothing had happened. I sighed and attempted to lift myself up off the floor. I had a difficult time; I shook as I stood up…man I felt like shit. I quickly found my clothes and tossed them on as quickly as possible. I sauntered up the stairs with little effort, hoping that she would just leave me be the rest of the day…I didn't even care if she made me clean…just I wanted all of her 'fun' to end. When I finally reached the top of the stairs and entered the rest of the main floor my mother seemed to be nowhere in sight. Signals went off in my head…_get Marti…and get OUT!** **_That's when I noticed a small scrap off paper on the kitchen counter. _**

Went grocery shopping WITH Marti…don't try anything funny! Then, I'm picking up Edwin. I mean it if you dare tell anyone she gets it. Get into bed and act sick.

Mom

_**I remembering thinking about how much of a lovely note my mother left…she surly cared about me. Well, she didn't have to tell me twice…I felt like shit. I crinkled up the note and tossed it, took an aspirin for the aches and my splintering headache and went straight to bed.**_

_**"Der…DEREK!" a voice over me screamed, shaking me awake.**_

"_**Go…away…" I barely muttered as I put my pillow over my head.**_

"_**C'mon son…get up!" the voice again shouted.**_

_**I yawned, "Fine…"**_

_**I sat up and opened my eyes to reveal the owner of the voice: my father, who was sitting at the foot of my bed.**_

_**I again yawned and tiredly asked, "Why are you here and why did you wake me up?"**_

_**He moved closer to take a proper look at me, "You look like hell…"**_

_**I shrugged, "Thanks."**_

"_**No seriously bud…what's going on?"**_

_**I suddenly became more alert, "Wha…what do you mean?"**_

"_**You know as well as I that you weren't sick this morning…why is your mother lying for you and better yet where is she and where is Marti?"**_

_**I sighed, "They're at the store…"**_

_**He gave me a affirmative look, "And…" **_

_**I laughed nervously, "Nothing…"**_

"_**Derek…"**_

_**I remember thinking that I had to tell him, that it couldn't keep going on…and that's when I decided, that I would tell him everything…but I wasn't even sure what was going to happen…she'd probably kill us, but…I had to, it was time.**_

"_**Dad," I spoke with a tremor, "You might want to sit down."**_

_**He gave me a puzzled look, "I am sitting down, Der…"**_

"_**Well than, I guess…"I started crying.**_

_**He sat there for a while, not knowing what to do; he was paralyzed with shock. He then grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. "What's wrong?" he asked softly.**_

_**I broke the embrace and turned away, "Nothing, never mind…" I just couldn't tell him…my mother was dangerous I couldn't put him and the rest of my family through what she might do. "I'm just tired, and sick…I think I have a fever…" I said as I collapsed back into a laying position.**_

_**He stared at me hard, as if he was going to stare through me. He then reached over and felt my forehead, "Well, you do feel warm…"**_

_**I almost sighed in relief…I must have gotten an infection or something from the…ahhh…stabbings.**_

_**He continued, "I'll be right back…"**_

_**As he walked out of the room, I relaxed slightly, thinking over what I was going to do and say when he returned. I couldn't believe he thought something suspicious; my dad…he was the most not paranoid and trusting person in the world…it was weird.**_

_**I was quickly turned away from my thoughts when he reentered the room, "Here, stick this under your tongue," he said handing me a thermometer.**_

_**I did as I was told; then we waited quietly for it to be done in an awkward silence. I quickly strained my eyes closed, suddenly feeling my earlier headache again.**_

_**The thermometer beeped shrilly and my father extracted it from my mouth, "102…wow…sorry I didn't believe you Derek…"**_

_**I suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over me…I couldn't believe I couldn't tell him the truth. I was smitten with what I should do next.**_

_**He looked at me with an apologetic look, "Der…do you need an aspirin?" he said almost laughing.**_

"_**Yeah," I croaked, "I have a bad headache…thanks. Wait, how'd you know?"**_

_**He laughed, "You had this really pained look on your face…"**_

"_**Oh…I…"I stammered.**_

_**He shook his head, "Shh…just get some sleep I'll be right back…" **_

_**I remembering being so overwhelmed at that point; I was upset at myself…I mean he trusted me…why the hell couldn't I trust him? I mean he never did anything to me…it wasn't his fault.**_

"_**Here," he said reentering he room and handing me an aspirin and a glass of water.**_

"_**Thanks," I said graciously taking both items from him.**_

_**He watched me take the aspirin and drink awhile before he got uncomfortable and asked, "Do you need anything else?"**_

_**I was about to shake my head no, but instead awkwardly answered, "Yes, please sit…"**_

_**He gave me a puzzled look, but complied with my request.**_

_**I took a deep shaky breath…overwhelmed at what I was doing. "Dad, ummm…well you know me and Mom always haven't had the best relationship and…"**_

_**He cut me off, "Derek, if this is about her being hard on you…I'll talk to her…"**_

_**I waved my hand, "No, no just let me finish…" I paused not knowing to put everything into words, "Dad," I again took a deep shaky breath, "She beats me…"**_

_**He stared at me for a while, "What? When?"**_

_**I shook off his questions, "That's not it…"**_

_**He stared dumbfound at me, waiting for me to continue.**_

_**Tears silently began to fall as I was struggling with saying the rest, "Umm…" **_

_**He stared at me, not breaking eye contact.**_

"_**Well…I…" I said in between the fat tears, "She molests me…" I stated voice falling to a mere whisper, "And rapes me…"**_

_**I knew a million questions must have been running through his mind, but he didn't ask them, he just pulled me back into a hug and let me cry.**_

I woke up in my bed, head throbbing just as it did barely seven years before. I shook my head fiercely, to rid myself of the gnawing pain. I then opened my eyes and paid attention to the rest of my surroundings.

"Hey," Casey said from a sitting position at the foot of my bed.

"Hey," I replied slowly rubbing my hand over my face a few times.

"Your Dad said you passed out," she said quietly.

I shot a look at her, "I didn't _pass out_, I was merely taking an afternoon nap."

She couldn't control her laughter, "Yeah, okay Derek…"

I shook my head, "Seriously, I'm fine no one needs to get all worked up here!"

She lowered her eyes slightly, "Did you have another nightmare?"

I shook my head, "Well not really, it was more of a daunting dream that was eventually uplifting…"

She shook her this time, "Oh cut the bullshit Derek, This was you," she said standing up and then lying on the ground, "No, stop, FUCK YOU!" she said twisting and jerking around.

I laughed, "First off, I do **not** sound like that, second off I didn't have a nightmare…"

"Oh okay," she replied in her best mocking voice.

"Man you're mocking is pitiful…" I said smile scraping onto my face.

She laughed, "Sorry, it's just when someone's in so much pain, it's hard to mock them."

I looked her right in the eye, I could tell she had been crying, I mentally slapped myself, "I'm fine, I swear, I'm going to go to hockey, and then," I couldn't believe what came out of my mouth, "I'm going to the hospital…"

She gawked at me, "Are you sure?"

I nodded, "Positive, I'm cool I promise…I need to."

She moved closer to me, "You know if you want I can come with."

I tensed up a bit, "NO, this is pain I have to deal with…myself…"

She protested, "Are you sure I mean you haven't been really dealing with this so great…I mean well…"

I shook off her concern, "No seriously, I mean it; this time I'm going to be fine…I'll be right as rain…"

Silent tears started slipping down her _beautiful…gorgeous _face.

I pulled closer and wiped some of her tears away, "What's wrong?"

"Stop. Lying." She said in between tears.

I grabbed her hand, "I'm not lying…"

She pulled away, "Yes you are, don't give me that 'I'm okay, because I'm Derek Venturi: Mr. Cool'…"

I turned my head slightly in an embarrassed manner, "I'm fine…"

"How can you say that? How can you live this way knowing every day what happened to you? How can you live in denial?"

I shook my head, trying to leave the anger dormant, I didn't want to yell at her, "I can live in denial because I have to…I don't need to think about this everyday…and I can't accept and I don't think I'll ever be able to. But, y'know what? I've been doing pretty well and what I'm doing works, so I'm going to keep doing it."

She shook her head again tears flowing freely now, "That's no way to live…"

She broke off as our lips met in a very un-stepsibling way.

I tore away, "We can't do this…I...I have a fever…"

She shook my comment off and kissed me again, "Shut up, you'll ruin it…"

A/N- There you are glorious chapter 6! Lol...sorry if you hated it... As always I love hearing what you think so if you could take one second to review...I will love you forever, lol thanks so much for reading! I appreciate you all.

-chickenboyssuck


	7. Have a Goodbye

A/N- Hey my loyal readers! I'm so sorry for leaving you all hanging for so long! I'll try to update much more frequently. As most of you know this was on hiatius for a while, but I'm proud to announce I'll be back to updating this fic when I get the chance. In addition, coming soon I will post a new O.C. oneshot, entitled **Secrets of the Heart**. This will be my first oneshot and O.C. fic so please if you have a chance when I post it, read it...it would mean the world to me. The summary is now posted in my pro, so please check it out. I'm trying to keep this brief...so thanks so much for the support, I appreciate every hit and every review so much! As always I'm so sorry for grammar and spelling errors. No beta all mistakes are my own. Thank you specifically to: lwdlvr4evr, _princetongirl_, confusedkid08, _csiaddiict_., Joralie, _CHL- crackhead_, and _Eternal Rhapsody_ for your amazing reviews. On with chapter seven!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek.

_Life With Derek: Depths of Our Beings_

Chapter Seven:

Have a Goodbye

I remember when I was little kid around seven or eight years old, I would pray every night that God would just let me be a normal kid, and for years my prayers weren't answered. Some may say I was naïve, but I kept praying; I thought God was too busy for me and that if I just held out God would answer my prayers. And, eventually he did…and I returned to a somewhat "normal" childhood. God and religion are very real mysteries. Everyone prays for victory for him or herself, but what he or she doesn't realize is that his or her neighbors can be praying for just the opposite of what he or she is praying for. So, how can God choose; how can God possibly choose? They say that one can wish for rain for his crop, but that very rain can devastate his neighbor's. Who gets what he wants?

I would like to say making out with Casey was really disgusting and I would never go it again, but I'd be lying. Kissing Casey was amazing…I was beside words.

After Casey left my room, I lay there a while on bed thinking about everything, and realized that I might be beside myself…way over my head. Me and Casey were step-siblings…my mom was dying…playoffs were coming up…I felt like shit… A million separate thoughts went through my mind before I finally got enough strength to lift myself from my position on my bed and get ready for practice. I shoved my pads, jersey, practice pants, and everything else into my duffel in chaotic order; then, I grabbed my stick and headed downstairs and asked my dad for his car keys.

"I'm not going to be home right after practice," I told him trying to avoid eye contact.

"Derek," he said gently but still with force, "You are not going _out_ after practice."

I shook my head, "Oh, no, I'm going to the hospital…"

He suddenly dropped the spoon he was stirring the pasta with, "What? I mean do you want me to go with you?"

I shook my head, "No, I _have_ to do this alone."

He wasn't convinced, "No, you don't…listen Derek don't do this to yourself."

I gave him a hard look, "I need to dad, I appreciate your concern…but these are my demons and I have to face them myself."

I retrieved his car keys from his pocket and handed them to me, "Be careful."

"I always am," I responded leaving swiftly.

I almost made it to the door when I felt a soft tug at my arm; I turned to face Casey.

She gave me a motherly look, "I'm worried Derek…sorry I overheard your conversation with George, but really I mean let me come…you can't do this alone, you don't need to."

"Case, this is **not** your problem," I paused, "Stop acting like it is."

And as the jerk I was I left her there staring with awe, shock, and utter hurt. It wasn't like I didn't care, I did…but it was too much, she was too much.

"What's with you today?" Sam asked after we changed and started warming up before practice begun.

"What do you mean?" I asked passing the puck back to him, but it sailed over his head and into the boards.

"Umm THAT!" he exclaimed referring to my pass.

"It was just a bad pass, chill," I said calmly.

"Okay, let's just say that was just a bad pass. But, what about earlier, what about when you and Casey got in that huge fight? Umm…Der, you're scaring me man. First, yesterday you show up super late and were all spacey and shit; then, today you disappear from school. Usually when you skip…people go with you." Sam explained smitten with my response.

"You don't think I know that?" I asked simply, "I'm just stressed…okay aren't I allowed to be stressed?"

He gave me a questioned look, "Yeah, but…"

"But nothing," I said simply, "Get the fucking puck, Sam, and shut up!"

He laughed and that was the end of that.

I poured every feeling of anger and angst into hockey. I channeled it all and I played…well beastly. Everyone was taken aback with my sudden increase of passion. I went after every loose puck and slammed everyone who got in my way into the boards. No one knew the reason I was taking practice so seriously, but suddenly everyone was playing better, I guess I had set a precedent.

After I had changed Coach thanked me for firing up my teammates, and I felt great until I reached my dad's car and sat in the driver's seat and started driving…until I realized where I was going and what I had to do.

"Abby Venturi?" the woman at the front desk asked me.

_Yes woman, for the 1,000__th__ time yes! GOD!_

"Yes ma'am," I responded lightly.

"Ahh yes, sorry about that, room 347."

"Thank you ma'am."

I walked shakily to the elevator and finally down the corridors of the 3rd floor. I finally reached the room and my mind was screaming for me to turn back, and I really wanted to, but I just stayed there like my feet were glued to floor…I wasn't going into the room, but I wasn't leaving either.

Suddenly, I felt a light pat on my shoulder, and I whipped around quickly only to face the concerned fact of Casey.

I opened my mouth to ask her what the hell she was doing there, but she cut me off, "I think you need me."

"I may need some reinforcement," I said taking her hand in mine and squeezing it, "Thanks."

She gave me a look and squeezed back; no words were needed.

I looked at the door as it transformed into something so much more. It was a gate into who I was and who I am. I stared, afraid that if I moved from my spot on the ground I would be that seven year old boy again—afraid for my life. I was afraid, petrified even; as I drove to the hospital I planned my speech and it all sounded great…but now it was all out the window. The only thing I knew was once I opened that door—once I opened Pandora's box…I would never be able to close it again.

I grasped the handle and twisted slowly hoping secretly that I was back home in my bed. I opened up the door and revealed the stark white walls and the smells of disinfectant—a horrifying combination that could be only found in a hospital. I pivoted slowly so that I could see the bed. The bed was snug in the corner of the small room; it was also eerily empty. My breath deflated like someone had punched me in the stomach, only instead of the pain that it would normally bring, euphoric relief flooding in at the temporary delay in seeing _her _again.

Casey hovered near my shoulder; I could feel her warm breath down the side of my neck as she asked me, "Where is she?"

She asked in such a whispered, hush voice as though we were both small children sneaking up on the monster who lived in my past rather than under my bed.

"I don't know," I whispered back.

Why were we whispering? I turned my face and realized that we were absurdly close again. It would be so easy to pull a few centimeters closers and kiss her again.

But now was definitely not the time.

"Oh!"

Both of us leaped three feet in the air.

* * *

There you are! Chapter seven, hahaha I know cliffy! Sorry about that really...I am. I'm sorry if it sucked as always. I love suggestions so review and please tell me honestly what you think. I appreciate the support!

-chickenboyssuck


	8. A Forever

A/N: Sorry, this is an extremely short chapter! It's been a long time also. I had major writer's block! So, I did have this voting thing going and I didn't get any real solid suggestions so this is all I got! I really like this chapter and the characterization that it brings. Oh and btw when Derek talks in third person that is on purpose! Okay I'm obviously trying to keep this brief! Well, enjoy; sorry for any typos and all mistakes are my own! Thank you for all the wonderful reviews! Thanks specifically to: Shortie91, _Sevvy101_, Joralie, _princetongirl_, myblackkitten, _Ghostwriter_, redrose08, _American-Heart-101_, jcool789, _daseyfan2008_, napd567, and _Vickie06_ for their amazing reviews! On with chapter 8!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of Our Beings_

Chapter Eight:

**A Forever**

After a loss people often refer to the "Five Stages of Grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've realized that for the last five or so years of my life I'd been stuck in the forth stage: depression. Acceptance for me was a far away feeling that I could see but couldn't hold within my grasp—it was intangible, a feeling but never and real thing. I wasn't an emotional child—aggressive but never emotional. Sure I'd seen shrinks—dozens of them actually, but they all said one thing: they never thought that I was emotionally stable to _ever_ get over it. Well, there I was about to prove them wrong and I was actually on the brink of turning around and making sure that they were always going to be right.

"Oh!"

Both of us jumped three feet in the air.

Casey and I came face to face with a young nurse in her mid to late twenties, "Are you looking for Abby Venturi?"

I silently chuckled, she never changed her name back, "Yeah, actually we are; I'm her son."

"Oh, you must be Derek! She talks about you all the time! You really seem to be a nice young man."

I snorted; Casey elbowed me in the side, "Do you know where she is?"

She looked at me with stern eyes, "Oh Hun, I'm sorry but she's in surgery right now; if I knew you were coming we would have waited…"

I shuddered, "Well, thanks any…"

Casey cut me off, "Is she going to be alright?"

"I don't know sweetie," Wow this woman was into her pet names, "this is a last resort surgery, trying to extend her life a few more months at the most…"

"Why would she risk her last few weeks for a few months?" I questioned angrily.

"I'm not sure Hun, something about setting things right…"

I stared stunned.

"Well, why don't you two wait in the waiting area and I'll keep you updated. If you need anything just ask for Kerri!" She said leaving us alone.

"C'mon Der, let's go sit down," Casey said guiding me to the waiting area down the hall.

So there we were sitting in the most uncomfortable plastic chairs ever created, just waiting. Hospitals were in a way suffocating and sick; there you are sitting there in the presence of dozens of worried families waiting for news on their loved ones. And while you are busy worrying about someone you love you see a doctor come in and command the room and give people either good news or bad news. You in a way get to see a defining moment and many people's lives. It's scary, unnerving, and insane. Why should someone see a person's life crumble before them when he's worried about his own fucking mother! Even if she was a bitch; even if she basically killed his childhood. That's why hospitals were sick and that's why I had begun pacing in the waiting room.

I was making Casey extremely anxious, I could tell. She would glance where I was pacing, basically putting a hole in the floor. She was getting fed up I could tell.

"Derek!" She screeched, finally having enough, "Come sit down!"

I shrugged and made my way over to the vacant chair next to her.

"Why the hell are you so antsy?" she questioned.

I shrugged nonchalantly.

"Fuck! Just a few hours ago you couldn't help but delay this and now you're antsy to see her!"

I eyed her, "Yeah, but that's before; y'know when I knew she was alive…"

She pulled me into a hug, "Everything's going to be fine."

I pulled away suddenly, "How are you sure? How can you possibly be so sure?"

She sighed, "You just have to have faith some time…"

"Yeah, well I've lost faith a long time ago," I said simply.

She whipped her head around and eyed the cross hanging loosely around my neck, "Are you saying you don't believe in God?"

I snorted, "Yeah; I mean no. It's just if there is a God than he doesn't seem very fond of me."

Casey was taken aback, "Der, it isn't that God doesn't like you, its…"

I cut her off, "Save it, Case, I don't need another shrink; I don't need you to talk to me about my feelings or some other shit."

She gave me cross look, "Fuck Derek," I'd never heard her swear this much before, "I'm not trying to 'be your shrink' and any other shit like that. It's just you have to stop blaming yourself and others. What happened to you in the past is just that the _past_, and you have to stop blaming it on all your problems."

I erupted from the chair and began pacing, "What. The. Fuck. Case. How the fuck can you say that? You don't know any fucking thing. Stop being like this. Stop trying to make me think! You can't help! Stop fucking trying. I'm a godamned mess! Any fucking person can see that! I'm so fucking messed up!" I paused and gave her one last whisper, "Shut the hell up."

She exploded up as well, "Let me tell you something Derek; I know you think no one understands, but I'm trying, okay! I'm doing the best I can; this isn't my fault!"

I collapsed back in the chair, "Sorry, never mind."

She sighed and sat back down, "Listen, okay I know this is hard for you and it's just going to get harder. So, you just gotta grit your teeth and keep breathing. Just being here has made me proud you." She kissed me on the check, "You're actually being mature and brave."

I smiled, now this is why I kept her around! "Thanks, for everything."

She smiled this time kissing me on the lips.

And at that moment it seemed like nothing was wrong with me. I wasn't molested as a child. I didn't fail grade one. I wasn't in an extremely dysfunctional family. I hadn't testified against my own mother in a court of law. My mother wasn't on an operating room table fighting for her life. And at that moment I wasn't making out with my obnoxious, extremely organized step-sister. I was just a guy and she was just the girl that I loved.

* * *

Okay, well there it is Chapter 8! Finally! Whoa, I know that was short, but I hope you enjoyed. I also kind of wrote this in a moment of inspiration; so obviously there might be some typos...but I really wanted to get this posted! Sorry if I disappointed. As always I really hope you liked it. So, please click the little button below and make my day!

-chickenboyssuck


	9. Black and White

A/N: I'm back! I had such bad writer's block! I'm soooo sorry. I'm also sorry this is extremely short! Well, enjoy! Sorry again about the length. Thanks for all the reviews! I love getting them. I appreciate every single one. Thanks specifically to: wprincessannw, _Ghostwriter_, ChristinaAngel, _Lanter_, Leaf26, _Joralie_, princetongirl, _jcool789_, daseyfan2008, _napd567_, Shortie91, and _Victoria Ackles_ for your amazing reviews! On with Chapter 9! All mistakes are my own!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of Our Beings_

Chapter Nine:

**Black and White**

Sometimes I think people are only afraid of the unknown—things like the dark, water, spiders, heights, and yes even death. But the thing is about the dark once you experience it, it's no longer frightening. Once you dive into a pool, you're no longer afraid of water. Once you pet a tarantula and live to tell the tale, you're no longer afraid of spiders. Once you tall an extremely tall ladder, you're no longer afraid of heights. It's the experience that expels the fear because one realizes that the thing that he or she was afraid of can't do anything to hurt them. So, I guess you could assume that having any near death experience would cause a person to be no longer afraid of death. But, you'd be wrong. See the thing is a near death experience is just that 'near death'. It isn't death. The only time one can actually say they no longer are afraid of death is when they can look death straight in the eye and say, "Hello".

"Fuck," I whispered to myself as Kerri, the nurse who Casey and I had spoken to before, let us in to see my mother.

"She's in a coma, but the doctor's say that she can still hear you," Kerri stated leaving Casey and I alone with _her_.

So, there I was facing the person who I'd wanted to tell off for more years than could remember. And I couldn't say anything. My feet were glued in place and my mouth hung open like I was attempting to catch a few thousand flies.

She lay there looking fragile and sickly not looking like the person who gave me nightmares. It was unnerving to think that she was an actual person and not just some monster from under my bed. Her face was an odd shade of eggshell white not unlike the wall color of a horrid model home, and her hair looked like an odd wig upon her head. I took in a big shaky breath and felt the bile rise in my throat.

I thought I could handle this but I was so very wrong, and it took all the strength I had to not turn and run screaming bloody murder out of the room. In a way I think it was easier when my memories didn't really have a face. My mother wasn't really a person she was just a sick monster. But now I was faced with the fact that she was indeed just like me—a person with feelings and needs—and of course health issues.

My head was spinning I was losing my breath—I couldn't take it. For years I had dreamt for this day. The day I would be stronger than her to kick her ass—to tell her off. But I couldn't—I wouldn't even if she was conscious. I hated her and standing in that hospital room feeling sorry for her just made my hatred run deeper into my veins than before. I would not shed anything for her—much less a tear. How dare anyone think I should!

"Let's just get out of here," I said turning to leave expecting Casey to follow.

I think she was surprised by my voice, "We just got here…"

I sighed, "Not really."

She rolled her eyes, "You know what I mean. We were just let into this room."

"I know," I nodded, "and now it's time to get home."

I could tell she disapproved but she didn't say anything; she just continued to follow me to my car.

"What's wrong?" she questioned as I pulled the car out of the parking garage, "I know this is hard but I don't understand what's going on in your head."

I sighed tapping my hand against the steering wheel anxiously, "It's fine; I saw her she's not dead—we're all good."

She raised an eyebrow, "You can tell me," she reached out to touch my arm in a soothing manner.

I pulled away fiercely, "Can't this just be over?"

"She's your mother…" she said beginning to get defensive.

"You don't understand! I feel nothing for that woman; she's just some monster who ruined my childhood. She means nothing to me dead or alive!" I shouted back.

We sat in silence for a few minutes I could tell she was cultivating a giant speech in her head, and I really didn't want to hear it.

"Y'know what I think?" she asked not waiting for me to answer, "I think that you do feel something for her. I think that's the problem. You want to just solely hate her—it would make life so much easier. But no matter what you say and no matter what she did she's still your mother and you still love her—but you can't."

I tried to suck in the stray tears that were disgorging from my eyes, "So what? So what if I feel bad that she's dying! How dare she make me feel bad for her! It just makes me hate her more!"

* * *

"Hello?" I asked lazily picking up my cell phone. It was three o'clock in the morning—who the hell was calling me?

"Hello, Derek Venturi?" a male voice asked at the other end of the line.

I straightened up, "This is."

"Ah. Yes, this is Dr. Mackey from the hospital that your mother is currently staying at…"

I raised an eyebrow, "How'd you get this number? Do you want me to get my dad?"

"No, no," he insisted hastily, "I got this number from your mother yesterday. She told me that you were the one she wanted me to call. I'm sorry to have to inform you this way but your mother passed away early this morning. I'm so sorry…" he said trailing off.

_Wait, my mother had my number for God knows how long and never called me? What I thought... what?_ "Would you now like to talk to my father?" I asked surprised by the sound of my own voice.

"Yes. Thank you, son. I'm sorry I had to inform you like this at this hour but it was your mother's request. I hope you understand," he stated quietly.

"Yeah, I do," I responded my voice fading into the darkness of my room.

I slowly shuffled out of bed and down to my parent's room knocking on the door; after a few moments I heard a muffled voice stating to come in.

"Derek?" my father asked as he quickly rose from his bed and guided me over to sit down, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head quickly holding out my phone, "Nothing. It's the hospital; they need to talk to you."

He raised an eyebrow but immediately understood what I was talking about and pulled me into a hug.

Nora sat up after a while and stared at us as my father gently pried the phone from my hand, "Hello? Yes this is George Venturi," he paused as he listened to the voice on the other end, "Yes, her mother and father are both dead. But yes, I can contact her sister, Kathy," he again paused and sucked in a breath, "Yes, she had insurance it should cover everything. I'm not sure if she had a will. Thank you, doctor, for everything. Have a nice day," he responded hanging up the phone.

"Are you okay?" he asked as I leaned my shaky body against him.

"W—why did she want him to call me?" I asked in awe.

"I dunno, buddy. I really don't know," he responded trying to sooth me.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I could tell he didn't want to break the calm that had rushed over me. "Dad?" I questioned as my voice cracked.

He ruffled my hair, "Yeah, buddy?"

"What am I supposed to feel?" I asked quietly.

"I can't…" he began.

"Tell me what to feel!" I insisted hastily.

He turned to look me in the eye, "If I could Derek, I would make this all go away but I can't. No one else can tell you what to feel but you."

I choked out a sob, "But I don't want to feel this way. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I shouldn't have to feel this way."

He pulled me tightly into an embrace, "It's not fair, Derek, I know."

"I'm so sick of being in this rut…" I trailed off.

"We're going to get through this, Derek; I promise," he assured me.

"I don't know if we can this time, dad," I responded trying to calm myself down.

"You just have to have a little faith. You don't know how strong you are, son," he insisted gently.

Tears were know disgorging from my eyes in every direction, "I'm sick of having to be strong, dad. I can't handle this anymore."

He ran a hand through his hair trying to find the words to console me, "Believe me when I say this Derek: I know you can get through this."

I shook my head, "Why does everything always have to be so hard, dad? I just want things to be easy."

He looked me in the eye, "I'm sorry, Derek. I can't even begin to try to understand how you feel. I'm trying my best."

My entire body was racked with sobs, "Don't say that. Don't apologize—it's not your fault."

He ruffled my hair again at a loss for words. I could tell that he was confused on what to say—what to do.

"I love you, buddy," he said kissing my forehead as if I were a small child afraid of the dark.

I surprised myself by not pulling away from the affection, "I love you too, dad."

* * *

A/N: Awwwwwww. Lol, sorry about that. So really there wasn't really a confrontation and some of you may say that I copped out on your asses. But the more I really thought about I don't think Derek would be one to have like that kind of confrontation. So, this is how I saw it going down; some of you may disagree but I hope you're not disappointed! Never fear, there will be some unexpected more drama in the last chapter! Yeah, I know finally, right! Chapter ten!

Only I have a question for everyone. Kay, so I obviously planned this to be a classic 10 chapter story. I already know how I'm going to end it. However, someone pmed me and asked a very interesting question: what happened after the police came all those years ago? And I had never actually planned to answer that but it got me thinking and I have a cool flashback kind of chapter thought out. So, you guys have two options do you want me to finish the story as I originally planned or do you want me to add in the flashback and create an epilogue? It's entirely up to you guys! Just drop me a review with your thoughts! Thanks for reading! Please, review!

-chickenboyssuck


	10. At the End of the Day

A/N: Hey, everyone! Finally, the moment you've been waiting for! I'm finally finished. It's a little epilogue and I was planning to write more but I think I ended it where it needed to be ended. I really hope you're all not disappointed. Anyway, I'm boring you. Thanks to: melancholyblood, _ChristinaAngel_, princetongirl, _Lanter_, and wprincessannw for the amazing reviews! You guys are awesome!

Summary: Derek's estranged mother, is diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease and the doctors are giving her two weeks to live. With this Derek must deal with old emotions surfacing as well as old memories he'd like to forget. But, you know what they say, with all pain, there comes love. Dasey!

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek

_Life With Derek: Depths of Our Beings_

Epilogue:

**At the End of the Day**

Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis." The thing he didn't note was that often a thesis is a whole lot easier. I don't think anyone can truly admit to being completely overwhelmed—well that is until they reach a breaking point. We are all guilty of over thinking, over compensating, and even over working. Sometimes we are all blinded by ambition and anger. However, what we don't realize is that when one is blindly charging into a goal he or she tends to miss the journey, and when that same person looks back on his or her life he finally realizes what mattered when it's too late. But, at the same time we all keep it in. No one wants to let others know that their hurting—that for once they may not be okay. We all assume good things are on the horizon—but what if they're not? What if pain and misery is in life's plan for the rest of your life? The thing is that we don't know. We'll never know until we live. So, I ask why do we spend our lives driving ourselves and pressuring each other when ultimately we all end up the same way—six feet under.

There's something very disturbing about funerals. Perhaps it's the way everyone dresses in black and sits solemnly in one place. People seem to breathe slower and talk quieter as if the dead person can actually hear them. Or perhaps it's the way that people act upset even if they didn't even know who the person was. The way they offer their condolences—like if they say that they're sorry it suddenly makes the pain in the pit of your stomach and the ache in your heart go away.

Or perhaps it's the way that the pastor talks about the person—so insanely vague that one could barely tell if the person was a serial killer or Mother Theresa. But, I really just think it's the way that people sob and choke as if they were staring themselves in the face in that god-forsaken coffin.

Funerals are sick. Period. I mean when you die do you really want people standing over your dead body sobbing and praying like they actually believe in god? No. Do you want some pastor telling your friends in such a vague and fancy way that they barely understand your eulogy? No. Do you want people to send you 500 flower arrangements? As if those tiny smelly, bee attractors could make anything better. No. No. No. You're dead—you don't want anything but to be remembered and thought of at time to time. And you don't want those memories to bring tears—you want to bring smiles.

"Are you okay?"

The voice shook me out of my trance as I reached for the hand that laid itself upon my shoulder, "Yeah, of course."

She laced our fingers together as we walked away from the casket to which I was intently staring, "Are you sure you want to do this? You know you don't have to—right?"

I nodded solemnly, "I know, Case, I know."

She let go of my hand and watched quietly as I walked to the podium lay vacant only minutes before by a no name pastor.

"I'd be lying if I said that my life will be the same after I leave here today—because it won't. My dad was the single most important person in my life," I broke off, "Well maybe that position is tied," the 100 pairs of eyes squinted at me sad smiles now on their tear-stained faces.

"Anyway, my dad was everything to me. He got me through some really tough times. And if this were anyone else I would not be standing here doing this. Truthfully, this is the first funeral I've been to since my mother's years ago. But this is what my father would have wanted—someone that really knew who he was to speak on his behalf. My dad was a kind, funny person. He was always making light of every situation. However, when you really needed him to be serious he was always there. And he never disappointed. I may not be the religious type of person but if there is a heaven I'm sure that my dad is making himself pretty damn comfortable up there right now. Thank you."

There's something else about funerals that really unnerves me. It's the way that those eyes stare at you full of pity as though you've got the worst life in the world. But hell—I'm doing pretty well—everything's still functional.

There's this taboo—if you will—on death in our society today. We act as if death is the worst possible thing that could happen to somebody. The thing is my dad lived a long, healthy life. He always had food, shelter, clothing, and love. Am I saying it didn't hurt to lose him? Fuck, no. A feeling like that can last for years and years. What I am saying is that sometimes it's people's time to go and that's that. We're not meant to live forever.

"Daddy, do you think grandpa can love me from all the way up in heaven?"

I looked deeply into his glassy, tear filled eyes, picked him up, and ruffled his hair, "Grandpa always love you no matter where he is, son, and so do I—remember that."

Fin

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There it is everyone! The finale! I hope you liked the ending and I also hope that no one was let down. I've been writing since '06 and it's been just an amazing ride! I'm glad you all stuck with me and kept reading! As always tell me what you honestly think. I love the reviews and the feedback no matter what you have to say. Also, I'm looking for story ideas and I'm open for any genre for my next project! Thanks for reading!

-chickenboyssuck


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